It’s hard not to question.
There, I did it again, I did that thing where I presume questioning is bad. After all, weren’t we as good evangelical Christians raised to believe questioning is a sign of weakness, doubt, and double-mindedness?
I must be a terrible Christian. What if this means I’m lukewarm?! Verily I tell you, God will surely spit me out of His mouth—I’m going to hell. Figures.
Sometimes I question. Sometimes the voice in my head says, “That doesn’t make sense at all!” Once upon a time I felt horrible for my cynicism. Every time a question ran through my head during a sermon I felt the brimstone starting to fall from heaven. When I came across a scripture that seemed harsh or against the “God loves everyone and will make life easy for you” ideology spewed in religious mass media, I wondered if I had the correct inspired word in my hands. Did I grab the wrong book?
But then I realized something. God made me. He knew before I could even breathe that I would be like this. He also had some pretty rad plans for my life. He led me to study philosophy and instead of fueling the thoughts of confusion and doubt, my studies made me understand something that has shaped my thinking ever since.
Humans are not capable of grasping the higher thought processes of God. Isaiah 55:9 tells us that God’s ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts. And in my capstone course for my major I came to understand that there are things the human brain cannot fathom. Therefore, I came to terms with those confusing passages of scripture that theologians have squabbled over for centuries. I accepted the fact that the Word of God is not the Word of Man and I’m not expected—nor able—to fully grasp it by my own might.
But people who aren’t spiritual can’t receive these truths from God’s Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them and they can’t understand it, for only those who are spiritual can understand what the Spirit means.
1 Corinthians 2:14
When I’m feeling especially cynical about the Church and the point of all of this, when I think the bible is confusing and contradictory, I remember to trust in the Lord with all my heart and not rely on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5, paraphrase).
I’ve also been able to accept my naturally cynical mind. I don’t shame myself when I question a particular teaching or scripture. I delve into it head-on because I know Jesus is on the other side waiting for me. Because He loves all of us sinners. Even the cynics.